Timber!
Thursday 30th October
I went into B&Q and picked up a 12-foot length of 2 by 6. Only these days they call it a 3.6 metre length of 150×47mm. I then proceeded to the ‘Timber Cutting Service’ which was unmanned.
“Hmm…”, thought I, “I wonder if they cut timber lengths…”
So I checked the sign…
Timber Cutting Service
We will cut MDF, wood sheets and timber lengths.
First four cuts free, then 50p per cut.
Ok. A good bet. I wanted two four-foot lengths and the remainder cutting in half. Now let’s see… one four-foot length is 1 cut. Then another is 2 cuts. Then the third cut halves the remainder. Marvellous! It’ll be free as well.
I went to find a man. A man was found. The man came to the timber cutting service area and looked at my timber length.
“I can’t cut that”, said the man, “we only cut sheets.”
“Oh”, I said, “it says up there that you cut timber lengths.”
“Er… yeah… what do you want?”, he said.
“Two four-foot lengths and the remainder halved, please.”
“Um….”, he said.
“?”
“Um… er…”, he said.
“What’s the problem?”, I asked chirpily.
“I’m worried about the number of cuts.”
“Er… it’s three cuts, isn’t it?”
“Um… and it’s wet. I’m not cutting that.”, he said with an air of finality.
I then refrained from saying “Of course it’s f***ing wet, you stupid nonce, you store all your wood outside and it’s f***ing raining.”
What I actually said was “Ok, I’ll leave it”, and left him with a 12-foot piece of 2 by 6 timber to carry back outside into the rain.
I shall be back with my own saw and make a mess in their car park.
Was that the B&Q in Kidderminster?!
sweavo
30 Oct 08 at 2:08 pm
Hehe… maybe he’s on a cultural exchange?
stu
30 Oct 08 at 2:13 pm
I did a similar thing the other week. I bought some drain pipe, got it out to the car and I couldn’t get it in, so had to back in buy a saw!
Matt
30 Oct 08 at 3:49 pm
Oh, God. Home Depot has come to Britain.
ScottJ
30 Oct 08 at 4:40 pm
That level of incompetence needs to be complained about
lordhutton
30 Oct 08 at 6:34 pm
What awful service. Must be tempting to take your own saw and cut the 12ft 2 by 6 into match-sticks right outside their front door. But then, would they actually give a shit? I doubt it. Try going to a real timber-yard instead of a ‘mcdonalds’ one, I bet you’d have no probs
Omally
30 Oct 08 at 6:44 pm
HAHAHA! Scotty beat me to it!
MMM
30 Oct 08 at 6:47 pm
ScottJ - you’re more right than you know. Actually B&Q predates Home Depot (I went for a job at the former so heard all about the history) however the two companies hold a lot in common.
They share marketing plans, business projections, the whole shebang. B&Q took the orange signage from Home Depot and implemented it over here.
At some point in the near future, B&Q expects to merge with Home Depot.
Kouros
30 Oct 08 at 7:40 pm
He probably got all confused when he “…looked at [your] timber length”….(chuckle)
Kika
31 Oct 08 at 10:13 am
I want to know what you’re making?
Debster
31 Oct 08 at 10:57 pm