Yesterday the cows next door escaped and ate our pansies.

It’s not every place of work where you can truthfully make a statement like that. Maybe I’ll stay a little longer… idyllic surroundings and the odd bit of rural excitement. They even made it onto the local radio station.

There’s a new post on The Intrepid Micra.

Video coming soon. Well, if I get five minutes* on my peecee… life seems to be very very very busy at the moment.

(*actually it takes a few hours to edit down a 5 minute clip, and I have a set of wedding photos to sort out before I can even begin that)

Over the weekend, I experimented with using vegetable pigments for colouring clothes. I mixed up some beetroot juice with fixative chemicals, boiled it up and put one of my white t-shirts in for a few hours.

After cooling, I gave it a rinse through, and then washed it (separately of course) in the washing machine.

Unfortunately all the colour came out. It was a disaster.

I… wait for it… are you ready…

it’s really not worth it… all that effort for one poor joke…

I nearly DYED!

This varnish I got for the patio doors’ step claims to be:

a) Super tough
b) Completely waterproof

I can now confirm that these claims are entirely valid. There’s still a load stuck to my arm despite a good night out and a long hot soapy shower this morning.

Before you start, the night out was last night not this morning. Only the shower was this morning.

From The Onion: Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being f*cked. Another contributing factor to Obama’s victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

Thanks to Lindsey for the link

In answer to Debsters question, it turned out I was making a bridge. But I didn’t know that at the time. I wasn’t sure what I was making, I just knew it had to be made out of two by six with chicken-wire stapled to it.

More details on that soon.

Saturday afternoon, I went back to B&Q. I went up to a man and said “I’m hoping to get a length of 2 by 6 and have three cuts made in it… is that something you can do?”
“Of course it is.”, he said, “let me find someone who is trained on the saw.”
…
“Hello good sir,” said the man who is trained on the saw, “I hear you would like a length of 2 by 6 cutting… that will be no problem at all, bring hither the 2 by 6 and I shall cut it willingly on yon saw.”

As he beckoned toward the saw, we spied the legend “OUT OF ORDER”.

DOH!

Never mind, at least I proved to myself that they do cut timber lengths and that I had just been talking to a … um … yeah… one of them previously.

Luckily I’d brought my wood saw, and cut it up in the car park.

Mission accomplished. And luckily so because had I not accomplished my mission, my Micra would still be stuck half-way along a green lane in Derbyshire.

I went into B&Q and picked up a 12-foot length of 2 by 6. Only these days they call it a 3.6 metre length of 150×47mm. I then proceeded to the ‘Timber Cutting Service’ which was unmanned.

“Hmm…”, thought I, “I wonder if they cut timber lengths…”

So I checked the sign…

Timber Cutting Service

We will cut MDF, wood sheets and timber lengths.

First four cuts free, then 50p per cut.

Ok. A good bet. I wanted two four-foot lengths and the remainder cutting in half. Now let’s see… one four-foot length is 1 cut. Then another is 2 cuts. Then the third cut halves the remainder. Marvellous! It’ll be free as well.

I went to find a man. A man was found. The man came to the timber cutting service area and looked at my timber length.

“I can’t cut that”, said the man, “we only cut sheets.”
“Oh”, I said, “it says up there that you cut timber lengths.”
“Er… yeah… what do you want?”, he said.
“Two four-foot lengths and the remainder halved, please.”

“Um….”, he said.
“?”
“Um… er…”, he said.
“What’s the problem?”, I asked chirpily.
“I’m worried about the number of cuts.”
“Er… it’s three cuts, isn’t it?”
“Um… and it’s wet. I’m not cutting that.”, he said with an air of finality.

I then refrained from saying “Of course it’s f***ing wet, you stupid nonce, you store all your wood outside and it’s f***ing raining.”

What I actually said was “Ok, I’ll leave it”, and left him with a 12-foot piece of 2 by 6 timber to carry back outside into the rain.

I shall be back with my own saw and make a mess in their car park.

I bought some goods from Sainsbury’s. One of the items had a note on it:

WARNING! This product contains a security tag which is not microwaveable!

It’s a good job they warned me. I shall be sure to find and remove the tag before I microwave my new DVD.

It is possible to be too paranoid.

What is the common factor between Rustie Lee and Schipol Airport?

They both have a huge apron.

Haha!

If I get the bad jokes over with now, my acquaintances at the pub tonight should, unlike last week, escape unscathed.