From The Onion: Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being f*cked. Another contributing factor to Obama’s victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

Thanks to Lindsey for the link

A selection of recent headlines from the BBC News website…

14-October 10:20 - Shares rise as confidence returns
16-October 11:33 - Global shares carry on tumbling
17-October 10:15 - Strong gains for European shares
17-October 11:37 - European shares lose early gains

I have a better idea…

Shares are up and down like a bride’s.. yo-yo until further notice

This headline will be applicable for at least a couple of months, maybe years, and the journalists can go and have a nice cup of tea and a sit down.

I learnt about sub-prime lending this morning.

So let me get this straight… you need 1 rich banker (RB) and 1 poor gullible soul (PGS).

The RB knows that the PGS can’t afford to pay back a loan, and therefore encourages the PGS to borrow lots of money and buy a house that’s too large for their means (or to borrow a large sum of money guaranteed against the nice house they already own). The RB is betting on the fact that the PGS’s house will be worth more when he repossesses it than it was when he lent the money.

Additionally, the PGS will pay a number of repayments before defaulting on the mortgage. And an ‘acceptance fee’.

So the RB ends up with 1) a nice big house AND 2) a bunch of repayments AND 3) an acceptance fee. The PGS ends up with nothing but a bankruptcy judgement which means they will only be eligible for sub-prime loans in future (see a pattern?)

Now the rich bankers are moaning, and their banks collapsing because the houses they’ve placed these bets on are worth less than when they extortedhelpfully loaned money to their PGS.

Greedy monkeys.

I’ve just discovered that Big Brother 9 starts tonight!

So… how about a little predictor…

How many of this year’s contestants will be insufferable morons?

You can’t have the answer all of them, I’ve already bagsied that.

Received this a week ago on Thursday…

JetCo Travel Advisory - 20/03/2008

TRY TO AVOID TRAVEL VIA HEATHROW ON THURSDAY MARCH 27TH

While the new systems at Terminal 5 have been tested extensively, we recommend avoiding any travel through Heathrow on Thursday 27th March. Unfamiliarity with the systems coupled with new security measures will most likely cause long delays for passengers. As with any new venture, teething problems are always present and there is a strong risk of mischief on the opening day.

Then yesterday, this one…

JetCo Travel Advisory - 28/03/2008

LOL! Told you so!

Ok… the second one was a lie, but it should have happened.

“I’m really happy… I was awarded 24 million pounds out of the deal, and my daughter will be given £35,000 per year essentially for doing nothing”, Ms. Mills failed to say this afternoon to reporters.

Good things about earthquakes:

You get a free chimney sweep instead of having to pay a man £50 to do it.

Bad things about earthquakes:

They don’t put up dust-sheets before they start work.

I am quite liberal. I have a ‘live and let live’ policy.

But when I see this, it concerns me…

The Archbishop of Canterbury says the adoption of certain aspects of Sharia law in the UK “seems unavoidable”.

Dr Rowan Williams told Radio 4’s World at One that the UK has to “face up to the fact” that some of its citizens do not relate to the British legal system.

I’m sorry… when you move to another country for all the benefits that country affords you, you must abide by their set of rules.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

This country really has gone completely wet.

I’d be interested to hear what others think. I’m hesitant about posting this for being branded a ‘racist’ or something similar, but it really isn’t about that. It’s about erosion of the British identity.

Yes, I know we’ve had invasions in the past, and what is a British identity? Part Celt, part Dane, part Saxon, part Norman… but I still think it’s a worrying development, going on under the radar that our secular system of law and order can be influenced heavily by a faith.

So… Muslims get to choose to abide by their own set of rules, while non-Muslims not only have to abide by the British rules, but also those imposed against our wills by Brussels.

Well… as long as they ban neither goats nor Thursday pub nights, I guess it’ll be ok.

Mmm… less than four hours to go…

Banned for public safety? They should be banned simply for being freaks.

Dog leash Goths ‘hounded off bus’

I bet there’s uproar in “equal rights for freaks” circles.

Oh… and no points to the journo who came up with that pun.

Disclaimer - I’m sure they’re very nice young people really.

Dear Iran,

Well, what a mess we seem to have got into. From our GPS readings, it looks like our chaps and chappess were in Iraqi waters, but people make mistakes, and if we were in your waters, we’re very sorry. We certainly didn’t intend to do anything naughty there.

Lots of love,

Mr. A Blair, Downing Street, London

There. Not so hard, is it?