I went into B&Q and picked up a 12-foot length of 2 by 6. Only these days they call it a 3.6 metre length of 150×47mm. I then proceeded to the ‘Timber Cutting Service’ which was unmanned.

“Hmm…”, thought I, “I wonder if they cut timber lengths…”

So I checked the sign…

Timber Cutting Service

We will cut MDF, wood sheets and timber lengths.

First four cuts free, then 50p per cut.

Ok. A good bet. I wanted two four-foot lengths and the remainder cutting in half. Now let’s see… one four-foot length is 1 cut. Then another is 2 cuts. Then the third cut halves the remainder. Marvellous! It’ll be free as well.

I went to find a man. A man was found. The man came to the timber cutting service area and looked at my timber length.

“I can’t cut that”, said the man, “we only cut sheets.”
“Oh”, I said, “it says up there that you cut timber lengths.”
“Er… yeah… what do you want?”, he said.
“Two four-foot lengths and the remainder halved, please.”

“Um….”, he said.
“?”
“Um… er…”, he said.
“What’s the problem?”, I asked chirpily.
“I’m worried about the number of cuts.”
“Er… it’s three cuts, isn’t it?”
“Um… and it’s wet. I’m not cutting that.”, he said with an air of finality.

I then refrained from saying “Of course it’s f***ing wet, you stupid nonce, you store all your wood outside and it’s f***ing raining.”

What I actually said was “Ok, I’ll leave it”, and left him with a 12-foot piece of 2 by 6 timber to carry back outside into the rain.

I shall be back with my own saw and make a mess in their car park.

I learnt about sub-prime lending this morning.

So let me get this straight… you need 1 rich banker (RB) and 1 poor gullible soul (PGS).

The RB knows that the PGS can’t afford to pay back a loan, and therefore encourages the PGS to borrow lots of money and buy a house that’s too large for their means (or to borrow a large sum of money guaranteed against the nice house they already own). The RB is betting on the fact that the PGS’s house will be worth more when he repossesses it than it was when he lent the money.

Additionally, the PGS will pay a number of repayments before defaulting on the mortgage. And an ‘acceptance fee’.

So the RB ends up with 1) a nice big house AND 2) a bunch of repayments AND 3) an acceptance fee. The PGS ends up with nothing but a bankruptcy judgement which means they will only be eligible for sub-prime loans in future (see a pattern?)

Now the rich bankers are moaning, and their banks collapsing because the houses they’ve placed these bets on are worth less than when they extortedhelpfully loaned money to their PGS.

Greedy monkeys.

Ok… another problem with the iPhone. I have now made approximately 10 accidental outgoing calls with it. This should not happen.

There are certain screens where if you tap on a contact or a phone number it JUST MAKES THE CALL. You then have to find the ‘End Call’ button and press it, if the user interface has caught up in time.

Recent ones include a call to the USA which I fortunately cancelled before it was answered, and today a call to a car service company which they did answer, and I had to sheepishly explain that I was a complete retard with a gay phone.

If you accidentally make a call and then press the ‘home’ button, you’re now in the main menu WITHOUT an ‘End Call’ button to press and THE CALL IS STILL BEING MADE.

This is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Before making a call, there should ALWAYS be a specific button you should press. So you KNOW you’re making a call. A confirmation if you like.

Really, Apple, this is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Update: Ok… I discovered that the ’sleep’ button on the top of the phone will drop a call whatever state it’s in. That’s good. But it still doesn’t change the unacceptability of making calls without confirmation.

So, I bought an iPhone. Yeah, I know. I have been very rude about them in the past, and I take back some of that.

Anyway… it does everything I want and more. It’s actually a wonderful bit of kit which has replaced my phone and my now rather aged Palm Tungsten C.

It does its job.

It has a nice feature-rich alarm clock - you can set which days you want it to go off… so we have a 7:20 alarm on weekdays, and none at the weekend. You can set your own ringtone, so we’re woken by the dulcet tones of some Japanese ladies just like we were with the old phone.

So why the ‘unforgivable’ title?

Well, this morning, on the 7th day of using it as an alarm clock, Tuesday of the second week, it failed to go off.

Just failed. Didn’t work. Didn’t go off.

Luckily, I still had my old phone set to go off at 7:31 as a backup so we were still up on time, but missed out on our ten-minute morning cuddle join the queue on the left for a sick-bag.

Looking around forums on the intermaweb, it seems many other people are suffering the same problems. They, on the other hand, didn’t have a backup and missed flights, job interviews and meetings.

The problem is related to other phone events taking priority. If, for example, a calendar entry goes off, or an SMS arrives while you are sleeping, the alarm doesn’t sound. How bad is that? Very very bad.

I note also that the volume buttons on the side of the phone alter the ring and alarm volumes, so it’s entirely possible to lower the alarm volume to an inaudible whisper without going into the settings screen.

Come on, Apple… I would like to be on your side, but if you make an alarm clock that doesn’t go off, it’s actually, I think, worse than not having included an alarm clock at all.

So… back to the old reliable Nokia for the alarm clock. The iPhone can keep doing my other stuff for me, though.

Not very good effort, Cadbury.

Warning… geek content… move along now…

public enum LoadErrors
{
   NoError,
   UnknownError
}

Argh! Marks out of ten?

In a folder named:

myApplication_v1_2_TEST_ONLY_DO_NOT_USE

You will find the installer:

myApplication_v1_2_TESTONLY.msi

and a history.txt file which reads (as the latest entry):

Version 1.2 - TEST VERSION - DO NOT USE

** This version contains no bugfixes or new features **

1) Added diagnosis logging for issue BT542.9

and also a readme.txt which reads:

This is not a fix

Note… I am not making up the contents of the readme… it really is there, with exactly that content.

The release management note contains the following:

This version is no different from version 1.1 except for some extra logging to help diagnose issue BT542.9. This is not a fix for this issue. This version has not been tested by QA.

So… given all that… can you guess what email we just received?

Go on… have a guess…

Yes, you’ve got it…

From: Site Engineer

Could I have a copy of the latest version of myApplication for CustomerX, the one that’s in use at CustomerY and is supposed to fix issue BT542.9?

Thanks

My colleague’s comments on the matter are:

“They’re dead Dave. Dave, they’re all dead. All of them, Dave. Dead, Dave. They’re ALL dead, Dave.”

I am quite liberal. I have a ‘live and let live’ policy.

But when I see this, it concerns me…

The Archbishop of Canterbury says the adoption of certain aspects of Sharia law in the UK “seems unavoidable”.

Dr Rowan Williams told Radio 4’s World at One that the UK has to “face up to the fact” that some of its citizens do not relate to the British legal system.

I’m sorry… when you move to another country for all the benefits that country affords you, you must abide by their set of rules.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

This country really has gone completely wet.

I’d be interested to hear what others think. I’m hesitant about posting this for being branded a ‘racist’ or something similar, but it really isn’t about that. It’s about erosion of the British identity.

Yes, I know we’ve had invasions in the past, and what is a British identity? Part Celt, part Dane, part Saxon, part Norman… but I still think it’s a worrying development, going on under the radar that our secular system of law and order can be influenced heavily by a faith.

So… Muslims get to choose to abide by their own set of rules, while non-Muslims not only have to abide by the British rules, but also those imposed against our wills by Brussels.

Well… as long as they ban neither goats nor Thursday pub nights, I guess it’ll be ok.

Mmm… less than four hours to go…

Fred has compared you to his friends. Would you like to see your ranking?
Yes, please.
You need to add the “Compare People” application in order to do so.
Ok. *add*
*compare compare*
Would you like to see the results?
Yes, please.
You need to add the “Social Profile” application in order to do so.
Gah! Oh ok. *add*

One week later…

The “Social Profile” application has noticed something interesting, click here to see it.
*click*
You must add the “Spark” application in order to do so.
Oh piss off. *click ‘Remove Application’ on Compare People and Social Profile*

GAH!

So… I listed my C64s on eBay. I want rid, but don’t want to make any effort, so I offered them for 1p, cash on collection.

Now, like a lot of people, I’m not a big fan of PayPal, so imagine my dismay when presented with the following message while trying to submit my listing…

Dear Seller

Thank you for choosing eBay.

Due to the level of disputed transactions in the category in which you are choosing to list, eBay is taking strong measures to protect both buyers and sellers on eBay.

To sell your item in this category you must offer PayPal as the only payment method. Please sign up for a PayPal account if you do not already have one.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

What? PayPal is more secure than cash on collection? Hold on? I must offer it, as the only payment method? That’s ludicrous! It’s almost as if they’re trying to monopolise on their position - not that I’m that cynical, of course.

Ah… but what’s that? The key phrase… “in the category in which you are choosing to list“. So I could just change the category from Gaming->Commodore->Systems to something like Computing->Vintage?

I did so, and received the following warning…

Are you attempting to list a counterfeit item? Are you aware that the listing of such items is not allowed on eBay?

If you continue to list this item, your listing may be removed without notice by the brand owner. If your listing appears to be offering a counterfeit, your listing will be ended and your eBay account could be suspended.

If the item you are offering is authentic, we strongly encourage you to say so in your listing. If your item has a serial number on it, you may include it in your listing. If your item comes with a certificate of authenticity, let potential bidders know that.

Please Note: By clicking the submit button below, you are confirming that the item you are about to list is authentic.

Who said it’d be easy?

Well… thankfully, the C64s are authentic… I’m not sure how I’d go about making fake ones. And I have a bid, so they’ll be gone in just over a week, all being well!